a new me

Any many of you know, my time here so far in Nicaragua has been hard. Could be described as horrific. There were days I spend crying, sometimes several times a day. There were days I couldn't hold back my tears in public. There were times I was on travel sites looking at plane tickets back home. And those of you who know my mother, really truly know my mother, know she is stubborn. (sorry mom to write this about you) When she believes something should be done a certain way, she will tell you. And if she doesn't like what she hears, she will tell you that too. Well, she told me. Not only did she tell me, but she yelled at me. Over Skype. Imagine what that's like. Fran yelling at you through the computer. >>go ahead and laugh<< But its only because she believed in me. And through the tears and denial, she always believed in me. She knew God has bigger things on His mind.

Not only has Fran helped me through those hard times, but so have you.Every one of you who has been praying for me. Every one of you who left an encouraging message for me to read when I woke up each morning. Every one of you who asked me how things were going. You all have helped me. But most importantly, God. This is why this blog post is titled "a new me".

'Cause my whole world is caving in

But I feel You now more than I did then

How can I come to the end of me

And somehow still have all I need?

God, I want to know You more

Maybe this is how it starts

I find You when I fall apart, yeah

I don't know how long this will last

I'm praying for the pain to pass

But maybe this is the best thing

That has ever happened to me

- Josh Wilson, Fall Apart

These past few weeks I have felt that everything I thought I loved, disappear. My passion, my drive for life, all go away. Everyday I just longed to be home. Not understanding why I was here. Well all else failed, I turned to God. I began to pray not just daily, but several times a day, every moment I could. I also began to spend time with Him. This was a new concept for me. I never really spent one-on-one time with God. "I find you when I fall apart" May it be reading the bible, watching a sermon, praying, or even just being still, this is how I have been able to grow in my faith and find Him when falling apart. 

Allison told me "look for him to open doors and close them. if none are open right now then stay put... even if they are halfway open they are not open just yet. He will let you know when you are ready. if you feel no definite push then just relax and learn and live and wait. AND not your time- gods time. its part of having complete faith. in a year from now you still might not know. but in a second from now you might" And she is so right. I was so focused on my time. Saying "if things dont get better in a week, im going home" But really God has me here for a reason. I may not know that reason right now. I do know that he brought me here to change me. To bring me closer to Him. Now, Im looking for that next open door. To see what He has planned. As Sidewalk Prophets sings:

I lay down my life for you

This is the moment when all will be made new

I know that you don’t understand

But this is part of a greater plan

So I lay down my life for you

I dont understand, but God has a greater plan. I am so grateful for the new me. And in the meantime, just enjoying lots and lots of rice and beans! So much rice and beans.